…of the opposite polarity. It seems that almost any girl that I like ends up hating me, or shying away from me. At least, they would announce their attachment to someone else, and so I’ll have to steer clear from them.
In the past 4 months, I’ve successfully ”pushed” several important girls in my life away, either intentionally, unwillingly, or caused by my stupidity. Not to mention those who’s appalled by my exterior appearance. I’m starting to wonder if there are a World Record for these kind of things.
The most recent incident had caused me to go numb. Seriously numb. Any feeling that I experience quickly dissolve into nothingness. When I’m sad, it’ll linger for a several seconds, and then fade away. So does anger, happiness, and so on and so forth.
I’m not sure if this is a permanent state of mind, or would it be a transition to a delusional state of a detached mind? The film Me, Myself & Irene quickly comes to mind.
On the other hand, My mind becomes clearer, uninfluenced by emotions. My drive back from work yesterday was a pleasure, even with selfish drivers all around me, other than me that is. I was at times worried that this state of numbness would cause me to lose focus on the road, but luckily I arrive home safely.
It continued until today, so I thought I’d better use the Komuter.
They say only crazy people have clear minds. Maybe I’m becoming one of them. Maybe I’m escaping this prison of assumed sanity and taste freedom of mind? What exactly is sanity, anyway. Confirmation to the masses? Picasso was once ‘insane’. Now he’s a genius.
During my Hiatus, I became more calm, but oblivious of the tensed world around me. I ignored anything outside my world. And my world, is only those I feel, see and hear. Anything else just flew by, leaving no almost no mark at all. It’s similar to what I’m becoming right now.
If just, I could do the same about my financial condition, to detach from all the monetary issues, to detach from earthly possessions, and achieve the calmness of nothingness. The world is yet to work that way, but at the very least I could just detach myself from any money-related activities, and try to spend more time at home.
It sounds good, but I’ll miss my life. Not to mention friends. Not to mention good movies.
This calmness, however, is addictive. It’s like being able to see after years of near-sightedness. It’s like being able to breath fresh air after years being in a polluted city. It’s addictive to be crazy.
Welcome, to the Asylum. Welcome, to the real world.